Instead, I am trying to focus on the infinite positives in my life. Living in the moment. Enjoying the here and now. One day at a time, etc. etc. (Ahem, enough cliches.)
In other words, I'm realizing that if I could indeed rewind and start again, I'd miss out on some amazing things.
Like what? you might ask....
Nate doesn't talk yet. He's working on it. He has an awesome speech therapist. But he just doesn't talk. That does not, however, prevent him from making A LOT of noise. He is a loud little person. I love it. His favorite thing is to repeat sounds...ga ga ga ga and then wait for you to say it back. And once you do, watch out! He giggles and blesses you with his award winning smile. I live for that smile!
Emmalee uses words that are bigger than she is. What's great is that she uses them correctly. For instance, she asked me the other day to "observe the man walking across the street." She is a smart cookie.
Em's current obsession in life is planning her fifth birthday party. She wants to be ready. Never mind that it is still 58 days away. She has the theme picked out....she looks online nearly every day to "shop" for birthday party supplies. Turning five is a big deal. After all, she'll be a whole hand. She wants to invite EVERYONE she knows. Not kidding. I'm thinking that it is less about how much she desires to spend the day with those she loves and more about the potential gifts she may receive. Ah, to be almost five again.
Tonight I went in to hook up Tyler's midnight dose of IV Vanomycin. He woke up a little more than he usually does so I decided to lay in bed with him for a bit until he fell back to sleep. He said "snuggle" which just melted my heart. Tyler's idea of snuggle was a bit different than mine. I wanted to hold him in my arms, kiss his head and play with his hair. He wanted to lay by me, not really touching but knowing I was there. That's okay, I'll snuggle any way he likes. Just before he went back to sleep he reached over and took my hand. In that moment I knew that although life is crazy and we have our struggles, when we hold hands and snuggle and love, the bad parts just melt away.