Thursday, June 28, 2007

I Enjoy Being A Girl -- NOT!!!

Yep, it's true, sometimes being a girl just plain stinks. Those damn hormones are enough to kill the strongest of men and yet, as women, we get to deal with them day in and day out. PMS stinks. The latest misery in my life with hormones has come about recently. I was late. Late late. Many days late. As a woman who has struggled with infertility for the past eight years, being several days late was like a tiny little miracle. Should I dare to hope? Could it be possible that after all these years, we could be pregnant? After about the sixth day I decided I should head to Walgreen's and buy the ever exciting home pregnancy test. I bought two, just in case. But, being the cheapskate that I am, I bought the Walgreen's, marked-down-on-clearance tests. Brought them home and waited for the next morning. Tested and the test was a dud. Holy cow, a DUD! Not good for a hormonal woman. Took the second test the same day and it was negative. ARRRGGGHHH! Got online, did some research and found out that the Walgreen's, marked-down-on-clearance tests don't detect the pregnancy hormone at low levels. That's what I get for being a cheapskate. Back to Walgreen's I went. More tests, more negative results.

Long story short, I'm not pregnant. It took a trip to the OB/GYN and a blood test to confirm it but, sadly, no miracle baby. Instead, I am left with no explanations as to why this happened. My hormones are all in check. (I'll spare you the gory details.)

Once again, I am left with more questions than answers. This little experience has re-awakened the fertility monster that apparently buried itself deep inside me. The questions rage on, much like my hormones. Was this a sign? Are we supposed to adopt again? Should we head down fertility road again? Am I ready to open myself up to all that hurt, disappointment, anguish, etc? Can my heart handle it?
I wish there were some clear cut answers to all my questions. For now, I will have to trust in my Heavenly Father and His plan for our family. I will have to put my faith in Him and remember that I am not in control. I will pray. I will rely on my husband and his strength as he relies on mine. And, above all, I will praise my Father in Heaven for the beautiful family I have.


Paulette said...

Thinking of you and your beautiful faily.. we've got to hold onto to what we have tightly and pray that God's plans and our Hopes are one and the same thought. May your baby find you soon!

terilynnh2000 said...

Love ya, girl!