Seven Years

Seven years ago today I became a Momma. I held my sweet baby boy for the very first time and marveled that God had seen fit to allow me to parent this perfect angel.

As we were preparing to come to NY to adopt Tyler I remember practicing over and over the first words I would say to him when I held him. "Hi, I'm your Momma." And I can clearly remember holding him close and whispering those words to him. It was something that I had longed to say to my child for many, many years. It was something I wasn't sure I would ever get to say.

I'm not sure I felt like a mom right away. I think when you adopt, the feelings come in waves. For the first couple of weeks I remember feeling like at any moment someone would come and take him back and say okay, your time is up.

I clearly remember one particular day when I realized that this was my child, forever, and no one was coming to take him. I was rocking him and it was quiet in the house and I just had this overwhelming wave of emotion. I clearly heard the spirit tell me, "this is your child. This is the child that God intended for you to have." I sat and held my baby and cried for a long time that day. I cried tears of joy, tears of humility and tears that helped me let go of the emotion of waiting for that day to come.

Tyler has changed our lives in ways I could never have predicted. I am in constant awe of his strength, his spirit, his love for others. He amazes me every single day.

Many, many people are part of Tyler's story including his incredible birth family and his self-less first adoptive parents and many others. I think of them every day and say a prayer of gratitude that because of them, I am Tyler's Momma.

Tyler, we love you so very much! I am so thankful that on that beautiful day, seven years ago, I was able to whisper to you, "Hi, I'm your Momma."

It's A Hard Job!

Dear Emmalee,

It is not my job to be your best friend. It is my job to be the mom. I know that doesn't always make you happy. Just remember that I do it because I love you! Hopefully one day when you are the mom, you will appreciate it.

Love,

Mom

Nathaniel

Nathaniel had colostomy surgery done on Monday, June 13. Feel free to follow along with his recovery by going to his Caringbridge site,

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/nathanielgardner

You can eat off my floor......

......there are crumbs everywhere!

This is, perhaps, the perfect title for my blog. Or maybe it should be something like, "Send in the Clowns," complete with circus music playing when people log in. Most days this is how I feel.

I had to take a bloggy break. I haven't really posted lately and I really haven't kept up on reading any of my favorite blogs. It wasn't necessarily a conscious decision but I have to say, it has been a much needed break.

It's funny....the "famous" blogs that I frequent are written by amazing women whose goal and desire is to help their readers feel good about themselves. For me, however, the opposite has happened. Instead of feeling better about myself as a mom/wife/friend/person, I began looking at myself and only seeing all the things I am not doing. I began comparing myself to these incredible women and feeling completely inadequate. After all, I don't sew, craft, sing, create fantastic art work, keep my house spotless or cook gourmet meals. I am not always patient. Sometimes I yell. Sometimes I want to lock myself in the bathroom and cry. (Okay, who am I kidding? Sometimes I DO lock myself in the bathroom.) I'm not a perfect mother or wife. I have low self esteem. I don't always shower. Sometimes I don't comb my hair. I don't quilt. I won't buy my kids Play-Doh because I hate the mess it makes. I'm not particularly good at anything specific. In other words, I'm nowhere near as amazing as these other moms. They do awesome things with and for their families. They bake, they sew, they grow their own food, they leap tall buildings in a single bound. They cook full course meals. They host fantastic parties. They go on fun family outings. They take hundreds of pictures so that they don't lose any memories. They enjoy every single second of parenthood. How do I know? Because despite how incredibly busy they must be, they are kind enough to blog about all of these things.

Don't get me wrong.....I'm not criticizing these amazing women. I love them. I have spent days/weeks/months/years attempting to be more like them. Wishing my life was more like theirs. And instead of realizing how amazing my own life is in its unique way, I eventually began comparing myself to them and only seeing my shortcomings. This led to my unplanned but very much needed bloggy break.

And then it hit me. DUH! I am not these women! My family life is nothing like theirs. My children are not like their children. I am me! My world is not their world and that's okay. Not only is it okay, it is amazing! I reminded myself that this is the life we chose. We chose to parent kids with special needs. We chose to take on these extra challenges, believing we were capable of doing it. And I have to say, for the most part I feel like we do a pretty good job.

So..........

Did I bake bread today? Nope. Instead I changed a colostomy bag. I cheered because even though he is almost four years old, Nate said "momma" more clearly than he ever has. I got a bit frustrated that even though he's nearly seven, Tyler still likes to throw his food on the floor when he's finished instead of just pushing his plate aside. I laughed so hard that I cried when Tyler tried to wink at me.

Did I sew a quilt today? Nope. Instead I watched a home video of Tyler as he was going through chemo and said a silent prayer of thanks that that chapter of our lives is over. I did some research on Autism and attempted to learn how to better help Nathaniel. I listened to Emmalee read a story to her brothers and marveled at how amazing she is with them. I sat through Nate's CPSE meeting and explained why he needs to be in a full day program next year so that he gets enough therapy in his day.

Did I host a fabulous party? Nope. Instead I prayed no one came over unannounced because my house was pretty messy and I hadn't taken a shower. I did some research on colostomy surgery since Nate is scheduled for that in June. I worried about how I am going to coordinate help and childcare for when that happens and we are faced with yet another hospital stay.

Did I cook a gourmet meal? Nope. Instead Brent and I researched Behcet's disease in an attempt to understand more about his illness and it's symptoms. I emailed a new mom whose son was unexpectedly born with Down syndrome. I took great pride in my sweet little Emmalee as she set the table for our very simple dinner.

Did we have a perfect family outing? I suppose. Perfect for us, anyway. Our perfect family outings generally consist of taking a drive in the van and going through an automatic car wash. The kids love it and Tyler is always sad when it's done. We don't do restaurants because the noise and stress are too much for the boys so we got take-out instead. And then we had to cut it short because Tyler pulled his colostomy bag off and Nate had a meltdown. That's pretty much par for the course on our family outings. (I can't even imagine trying to take a major trip somewhere. Maybe someday!)

Is our life perfect? Nope. But in a way I think it is perfectly un-perfect. Our life is unique. After all, our family is unique.

Am I a perfect mom/wife/friend? Not even close. But I am me. And I am slowly but surely beginning to realize that I don't have to be anyone else. I don't have to impress anyone. All I have to do is be the best me I can be.

So this is my life. Is it glamorous? Nope. Is it sometimes crazy? Absolutely! Would I change it? Not for anything in the world!!

Emma-Isms

Our sweet Emmalee turned six on April 6. I still can't believe she is six years old already. Where does the time go?

Em is very funny! She has been cracking us up lately. Here are a few of the latest.

Brent was putting her to bed a few nights ago and he told her he couldn't stand being in her room because it was so messy. She just looked at him and said, "Oh yea, well you're complicated!"

One morning she was complaining to Brent that her tooth hurt. I asked him what she said and he told me, "Em has a toothache." She said, "I don't have a toothache, my tooth just hurts!"

I told Em to get in the shower. I was in my room which is near her bathroom. She came into my room and said, "Mom, I'd be delighted if we could communicate while I'm in the shower."

We love you, sweet Emmalee!!

Pure Heaven

Best part of my day? Tyler said, "I want snuggle mom, pwease!" Complete with hugging himself when he said snuggle and signing please. There is no way to resist a request like that!! He pushed me down on the couch saying, "lay down," climbed up on me and fell asleep. Pure heaven, I tell you!

Potpourri

Wow, I can hardly believe that Christmas has come and gone and we are already two days into the new year. 2010 seems to have gone by really quickly. I'm glad. It wasn't the easiest year for our family. Not the most difficult either but none the less, I am glad to see it go.

We have enjoyed having the kids home for Christmas break. We are also looking forward to them heading back to school tomorrow. I think Ty is most excited. He has asked for his teacher and aide every single day since break started. He loves those ladies and everyone else in his class. What a blessing!

Emmalee has been cracking us up, as usual. Here are a few new Emma-Isms --

Em came home and told me that she told her teacher that our family speaks Spanish. I was surprised by this since we don't. At all. I told her that we don't in fact speak Spanish and she said, "of course we do. You know, uno, dos, tres....." Love it!

Em has been singing a lot lately. The funny part is that she doesn't really know the words. Some of our favorite renditions are "Fa-lees La De Dah, Fa-lees La De Dah, Fa-lees La De Dah oh blah, blah, blah." "You get your head up over...." (This is her version of the Hannah Montana theme song.) She's a hoot.

Natey is doing pretty well for the most part. I think Brent and I have resigned ourselves to the fact that he is going to have to have a colostomy. This was not an easy decision for us. But watching him struggle with the constant constipation is agonizing. We are going to make another appointment with the surgeon and see what our options are.

Brent is still struggling a great deal. He is trying a new medication given by IV infusion. We are praying it will help to relieve his symptoms. So far there has been no change but we've been told that it could take several doses.

Our Christmas was good. Very low key. It was a nice day and we sure enjoyed being together as a family.

We have a new family member. Max is a four month old yorkie poo who weighs in at a whopping five pounds. He is nothing but fluff and love. He is a super good puppy who LOVES the kids! It took us several months and lots of talking with doctors and such to find a dog that Emmalee wouldn't be allergic to. So far she has done great with Max and we are praying he will be a permanent member of our family. He is a love!!

The new year brings about thoughts of resolutions. I hate making them because I usually fail and I really don't like that. There is something I've wanted to do for a long time, though, and my brother in law Kyle and I sort of challenged each other to do it. I am keeping a photo a day blog for the year and hoping I can keep up on it. The new blog address is http://jodiedailyphoto.blogspot.com I think it will be a lot of fun!

Here's hoping the new year brings peace, joy and good health!

National Adoption Month

Here we are at the 30th of November. I'm not exactly sure where this month went. It seems like it was just 31 for 21 in October and now we're at the end of November. Thanksgiving is over. Christmas is upon us. The year is nearly done.

It occurred to me that I had failed to post anything in regards to National Adoption Month. I feel like a total slacker!

November is indeed National Adoption Month. I LOVE that there is an entire month dedicated to adoption. We talk about adoption often in our home. National Adoption Month is just another way to focus on the topic.

For those of you who may not know, all three of our incredible children came to our family through the miracle of adoption. Tyler was ten weeks old when we adopted him on August 11, 2004. Emmalee came to us just eight months later when she was exactly two weeks old. Her adoption day is April 20, 2005. Nathaniel was born on September 1, 2007. He was 15 weeks early and spent almost four months in the NICU. His adoption day is December 21, 2007 and he came home from the hospital on December 29.

Each of our children's adoption stories is unique; as unique as each child. Each of them came to us when they were meant to. Each of them came to us HOW they were meant to. I have no doubt that these children were meant to be ours. And I have no doubt that adoption was always the plan for our family.

Of course, that is easy to say now that I am blessed with these little ones. I wasn't always so sure. I wasn't always so confident that adoption was our plan. There were many, many tears shed, many prayers uttered, many days of worry and fear. There were also years of doctor's visits and fertility treatments. Years of self pity and doubt.

I will tell you that once we made the adoption decision, everything fell into place. It was as if Heavenly Father breathed a sigh of relief that we had finally figured it out. Things happened quickly once our final decision was made. We completed our initial home study in April 2004 and Tyler was home in August. One year from the initial home study we brought Emmalee home. And just three and a half years after that first home study we were blessed with Nathaniel. Yes, once we accepted and understood the plan for our family, we were blessed.

There isn't a day that I don't think about and pray for each of our children's birth parents. It is because of them, their love and their sacrifices that we are a family. We will be forever in their debt.

Tyler was also blessed with "first parents." Not only does he have incredible birth parents, he has amazing first parents. We love his first parents as well.

Did I ever expect when Brent and I got married that we would build our family thorough adoption? In a word, no. It honestly never occurred to me that we wouldn't be able to have biological children. It just wasn't something I had thought of. But WOW! I simply can not imagine our lives without THESE children. I know, without a doubt, that these children were meant to be in our family. And I also know that the only way they were able to come to us is through adoption.

Our children are the greatest blessings in our lives. They have made us a family. They have brought us closer together as a couple. I thank my Father in Heaven every single day for these beautiful children!!

Eye Color and Love

Dear Emmalee,

I adore you! You are one of the sweetest little people I know.

Sometimes I wonder if you will ever sleep through the night in your own bed. You are almost six, you know.

Okay, the truth is that I secretly like that you come snuggle with us. We could set a clock by you. It is almost always 1:00 a.m when you come in. Sometimes you are a bit cranky and get a little irritated if I don't move over right away. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and don't even remember you coming in. And sometimes, like two nights ago, the best thing in the whole world happens.

As usual, you came in right around 1:00. You snuggled right into me and I was still kind of awake so I said hello to you and then you and I had the best conversation. You were so smiley and had the sweetest little whispery voice. You told me how much you love me, (all the way to the moon, all the countries, all the states, all of China, all the way back to the bottom of the deep blue sea, all of New York and all around the world.) And then you asked me how much I love you. (All around the world forever, all the way through the entire universe and all the way back to the bottom of the deep blue sea.) You told me how much you love daddy and Tyler and Nate. You told me that you're glad I'm your momma. It was perfect. It made me so very happy! I told you that you and I and daddy have the same color eyes. And guess what you said? You told me "that's how we know we were meant to be together forever!" You know what, sweet girl? You're right. We were meant to be together forever. No doubt about it. You were meant to be our girl and we were meant to be your momma and daddy. What an incredible gift it is to be a forever family!

I know that someday, all too soon, I will wake up and you won't be snuggled in bed with us. I'll stay awake until 1:00 in the morning and you won't come in. You'll be too big. And when that day comes, I will be sad. I may even cry a little. But no matter what, I will always have the memory of one perfect night, snuggled tight with my baby girl, whispering about how much we love each other. Thank you for giving me that amazing gift, Emmalee. I am so blessed to be your momma!

Love,

Momma

I Am The Child

I found this on another blog and cried as I read it. Grab some tissues!

I AM THE CHILD

I am the child who cannot talk. You often pity me, I see it in your eyes. You wonder how much I am aware of -- I see that as well. I am aware of much -- whether you are happy or sad or fearful, patient or impatient, full of love and desire, or if you are just doing your duty by me. I marvel at your frustration, knowing mine to be far greater, for I cannot express myself or my needs as you do.

You cannot conceive my isolation, so complete it is at times. I do not gift you with clever conversation, cute remarks to be laughed over and repeated. I do not give you answers to your everyday questions, responses over my well-being, sharing my needs, or comments about the world about me. I do not give you rewards as defined by the world's standards -- great strides in development that you can credit yourself; I do not give you understanding as you know it.

What I give you is so much more valuable -- I give you instead opportunities. Opportunities to discover the depth of your character, not mine; the depth of your love, your commitment, your patience, your abilities; the opportunity to explore your spirit more deeply than you imagined possible. I drive you further than you would ever go on your own, working harder, seeking answers to your many questions with no answers. I am the child who cannot talk.

I am the child who cannot walk. The world seems to pass me by. You see the longing in my eyes to get out of this chair, to run and play like other children. There is much you take for granted. I want the toys on the shelf, I need to go to the bathroom, oh I've dropped my fork again. I am dependant on you in these ways. My gift to you is to make you more aware of your great fortune, your healthy back and legs, your ability to do for yourself. Sometimes people appear not to notice me; I always notice them. I feel not so much envy as desire, desire to stand upright, to put one foot in front of the other, to be independent. I give you awareness. I am the child who cannot walk.

I am the child who is mentally impaired. I don't learn easily, if you judge me by the world's measuring stick, what I do know is infinite joy in simple things. I am not burdened as you are with the strifes and conflicts of a more complicated life. My gift to you is to grant you the freedom to enjoy things as a child, to teach you how much your arms around me mean, to give you love. I give you the gift of simplicity. I am the child who is mentally impaired.

I am the disabled child. I am your teacher. If you allow me, I will teach you what is really important in life. I will give you and teach you unconditional love. I gift you with my innocent trust, my dependency upon you. I teach you about how precious this life is and about not taking things for granted. I teach you about forgetting your own needs and desires and dreams. I teach you giving. Most of all I teach you hope and faith. I am the disabled child.

Author Unknown

31 for 21, Day 31!!!!

Wow, I can't believe that this is the last post for 31 for 21. I certainly wasn't perfect at this and didn't post every day as I had hoped to. But I am really thankful that I participated. Mostly I am thankful for all the other blogs I have found. I have read many uplifting stories this month. I have also seen some amazingly adorable children from around the world!

My ultimate goal for participating this month was to help people realize that those with Down syndrome are more alike than different. They love, they laugh, they hurt, they cry, they learn, they teach, they have friends, they go to school, they work, they often get married. In other words, they are just like everyone else. Tyler is just like everyone else. Yes he has his struggles. But who doesn't? Everyone has special needs in one way or another. His just happen to be more noticeable.

Not a day goes by that I don't feel humbled by the fact that God chose me to be Tyler's mom. There are many times that I feel unworthy of such an incredible blessing. I am overwhelmed with love for this amazing child. Being his mom is more than I ever could have hoped for in life. He makes me want to be the best person I can be. He makes me want to work harder, to be kinder, to enjoy the little things in life. He helps me remember to smile more, to laugh more, to sing and dance more. He can make me smile in an instant, no matter how blue I may be feeling. His love and compassion for others never ceases to amaze me. His spirit shines through in all that he does. I am simply in awe of this sweet, sweet boy!

31 for 21, Day 29

Emmalee and Tyler were playing today and Ty was really enjoying it. They were getting along so well. Emmalee looked and Brent and I and said, "we're best friends; I just know it." I looked at Brent and we both had tears in our eyes. I am truly thankful that our children love each other so much and that they really are best friends.

31 for 21, Day 27

31 for 21, Day 26

31 for 21, Day 25

Tyler had surgery on his left eye today. They replaced the lens in his eye with a synthetic lens. He did great, as usual. (He had the right eye done a few weeks ago.)

Here are some fun pictures of him before surgery. Enjoy!